Jokes? (Read 49050 times)

GPREZQ · « **Reply #15 on:** November 28, 2018, 16:27 »

nice one kops

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. She has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blonde replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for less than $20 and expect it to be there when I return?"

kops · « **Reply #16 on:** November 28, 2018, 16:37 »

lol don't, I'll have to annoy you with a 1000s of shaggy dog stories I've got stored for annoying family members.

GPREZQ · « **Reply #17 on:** November 28, 2018, 16:47 »

Piano · « **Reply #18 on:** November 29, 2018, 13:02 »

What do you call a guy who just hangs around his house all day and just beats his cannon all game long?

[RMD]JoeMillionaire · « **Reply #19 on:** March 03, 2019, 17:38 »

Its the first day at school, and the teacher asks the children to present themselves and well tell us what your parents do.
The first kid : my name is Kevin and my dad is a fireman....
The teacher : Oh its a nice job Kevin. Next!
The second kid : My name is Mary Ann, am my mom is a nurse at the hospital.
The teacher: fine job indeed Mary Ann, next!
The third kid: My name is John and my dad... huh my dad is dead....
All the children starts to open big eye balls, looking around, with weird faces...
The teacher reacts right away : well... John, what was he doing before he died ?
John : he was doing "wuuuuuuaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarg"

NOPE · « **Reply #20 on:** June 15, 2019, 09:29 »

NOPE's aim

NOPE · « **Reply #21 on:** June 21, 2019, 19:01 »

You wanna hear a joke about pizza?

Nevermind, it's too cheesy.

GPREZQ · « **Reply #22 on:** June 21, 2019, 20:52 »

NOPE

NOPE · « **Reply #23 on:** June 25, 2019, 07:01 »

This isn't a joke but a true story of why you shouldn't drink too much whiskey and why NOPE should legally be allowed to park in handicapped parking spots.

So, it was about 10 years ago in south Louisiana (United States.) Me and my older brother were drinking a buttload of whiskey near a hunting camp near Golden Ranch Plantation in south Louisiana. I was three sheets to the wind, sitting on the front porch (this was approximately 1:00 am and pitch black) and I noticed this owl in the front yard. I don't know if you have ever had the privilege to witness such a beautiful animal, but it was somewhat awe inspiring. Seeing it move it's head looking around as though it was on a swivel; I felt close to nature and I will never forget that feeling. My brother came out the front door onto the porch and I immediately told him to close the door and be quiet so he could witness the owl. I was actually pretty stoked that he could see it, I said, "Wade, shhhh check it out." while I pointed to the owl. I told him, "Dude, be quiet, don't scare the owl." He took one look at the owl and said, "You're f&*[k!ng retarted, that's a fire hydrant." It turns out I was watching a fire hydrant the entire time.

GPREZQ · « **Reply #24 on:** June 25, 2019, 15:30 »

O:-)So funny...

I understood all you said being from the south

holyspam · « **Reply #25 on:** November 20, 2019, 16:50 »

THIS IS A MEME FOR PIGLET AND KOPS

kops · « **Reply #26 on:** November 20, 2019, 17:20 »

What's that? Set Freon server to Contrast on repeat for a whole weekend? Now that's an idea!

Piglet · « **Reply #27 on:** November 20, 2019, 17:24 »

Nice. I approve

kops · « **Reply #28 on:** November 20, 2019, 17:25 »

Once upon a time, there was a farmer who owned a small farm. He didn’t have many animals, but he did have two he loved immensely: his dog Spot, and his prize winning race horse, the fastest horse ever to run in the Kentucky Derby, Bolt. One day, the farmer and Spot were in the stables to watch a mare give birth to Bolt’s child. But to their surprise, the mare gave birth to not one, but two, strong, healthy foals. The farmer named the first born Buck and the second Casper.

From the very beginning, Buck and Casper shared their father’s competitive spirit. Within seconds of both being born, Buck looks at Casper and says “Hey brother! Let’s see who can stand up first.” Casper agreed, “Challenge accepted.” Buck tried to stand first, got half-way erect, and then fell over. Next Casper tried to stand, made it all the way up, wobbled, and fell down. Spot and the farmer watched intently, as this continued back and forth for a couple minutes, each brother standing a little longer than the other, until eventually Buck stood up and remained standing. “I win!” exclaimed Buck. “You sure did,” Casper replied “but it was very close. I know I’ll win next time!”

Some time passes, and the farmer decides that Buck and Casper are now old enough to be let out of the stables and explore the farm. The farmer, Spot and all the other animals gather around to watch the two young horses get their first taste of the outdoors. As soon as the two foals exit the stables, Buck turns to Casper and says “You see that fence across the field? Let’s have a race! First one to the fence and back wins.” “You’re on!” Casper replies.

And so the two horses take off towards the fence. First, Buck takes the lead, then Casper pulls ahead, then Buck takes the lead again as they reach the fence. On the way back the two horses are neck-and-neck, Casper ahead one second, Buck the next. Casper gives his all and takes a slight lead. “I’m going to win” he excitedly thinks, but at the last second Buck has a burst of speed and pulls ahead by a foot, winning the race. “I win!” Buck neighs loudly. “You sure did brother,” Casper replies “but that was very close. I’ll win the next race, I just know it.”

Having witnessed their race, the farmer decides to enter them in the next local horse derby. The farmer and Spot sit in the stands, watching with anticipation as the horses line up, Buck and Casper next to each other in lanes 3 and 4. “This is it! This is the race I’m going to beat you!” Casper says to Buck. “Probably brother! You are very fast and trained very hard” Buck says in return. At the sound of the gunshot, Buck and Casper take off out of the gates. They very quickly get way ahead of the other horses, and the two brothers stay neck-and-neck. First buck is ahead by a few inches, then Casper gets the lead, then Buck again, then Casper; back-and-forth until it seems like Casper finally has the lead. “I got it this time!” Casper whinnies in excitement, but suddenly Buck is right there next to him, and before Casper could dig deep for a burst of speed, they cross the finish line, Buck just a few inches ahead. “Drat!” Casper says, a little upset. “That was so close! I could taste victory.” “It was a very good race brother!” Buck says, “I’m very proud of you, that was the closest we’ve ever been. I thought you had it for sure.”

A few years pass of Buck and Casper racing, training, and growing. Year after year the farmer enters them into the races, year after year the farmer and Spot watch, and year after year Buck wins by a hair, with Casper getting closer and closer with each race. Finally, Buck and Casper are so fast and so famous – The Twin Bolts, they’re called – that they both get invited to compete in the Kentucky Derby. On the big day, the farmer and Spot watch from home on the TV as Buck and Casper wish each other luck, and go to their gates to await the race. The starting gun fires, and all the horses take off. This time it’s a very close race; all the horses stay tight in a pack for most of the track. But near the end, all the horses begin to tire and slow – all the horses except for Buck and Casper.

Casper manages to get a good lead, and he looks back to his brother and yells “I’m going to win this time, there’s nothing you can do!” But his cockiness got the better of him, and the farmer, Spot, and Buck all watched in horror as just before the finish line, Casper loses his footing and takes a terrible fall, knocking himself out.

After the race, Casper wakes up back home in the stables, Buck watching over him intently. “How do you feel Casper” Buck asks with concern, but Casper can think only of the race. “Did I win?” he asks. “Did I finally beat you?” Buck shakes his head solemnly “I’m afraid not brother. You stopped just in front of the finish line. The race was stopped because of your injury, but I was declared the winner since I was in second place.”

Casper is devastated by this news. “…but …I was going to win” he says sadly, trying to stand. But one of Casper’s front legs gives him a sharp pain, and he falls over. “Are you okay Casper?” Buck asks, concern heavy in his voice. “The vet said you broke your leg. You need to give it time to heal.”

And so he did, but time never fully healed his leg. For years, Casper stayed at the farm, limping as he tried to run, while Buck continued to win Derby after Derby, eventually breaking his father Bolt’s speed record and winning more Derbies than any other horse in memory. Spot would watch Casper from the porch, saddened by the state of the once proud equine.

Many years later, the farmer retires Buck from racing. The two horses, now old, spend most of their time in the stables, Casper always quiet and sad. One day, Buck turns to Casper and says “You know brother, I miss the old days when we would race side-by-side. What do you say to one last race, huh?” But Casper shakes his head and says “There’s no point. Even in my prime, I could never beat you. What chance do I have now that I am old and lame?” Saddened by his brother’s depression, Buck gets an idea. “You know what brother? You’re the reason I ran so fast. You inspired me, our whole lives, to push myself and be the best I could be. I always looked up to you.” This makes Casper a little happy, so Buck continues “I bet that you, my greatest inspiration, will beat me. There’s no way you’ll lose again, you’re too good”. “Alright,” Casper says, his spirits high for the first time in years “I’ll race you. To the fence and back, just like when we were kids. And this time I’ll win!”

As Buck and Casper exit the stables, Spot – now also very old – pads over to watch. The two horses start running, much slower than in previous years, but still with as much intensity as their younger selves would muster. Casper, his excitement allowing him to ignore his old injury, takes the lead. Buck, digging deep, catches up, and they continue neck-and-neck. On the final stretch, Casper pulls ahead. After so many years, he’d finally get to know what it felt like to be number one, first place, the winner. Casper had never felt more proud or excited than at this moment in his life. But just before as he reaches the barn, Buck bolts past him, winning by a hair. Casper is crushed.

Now Spot, who watched the young horses grow up from afar, gets angry at this. He walks up to Buck and growls “Why?! After all the years, after all your victories, why? You couldn’t let your brother have this one race? You just broke his heart!” To which Buck replies, “Holy shit! a talking dog!”

}TCP{Cloud · « **Reply #29 on:** November 20, 2019, 21:25 »

:cerealguyspitting: :lol: